New Releases by Geoff TIBBALLS

Crap Teams is the ultimate guide to the heartache, hilarity and humiliation of football, featuring the worst seasons and shock defeats of the UK''s most popular clubs. Even the best clubs have the odd off-day and Crap Teams provides the searing post-match analysis with facts, stats and photographic evidence of these fantastic failures. Focusing on football teams from the UK, together with special sections on international teams, every die-hard football fan will find something about their own club to despair at whilst also delighting in a rival squad''s glaring inadequacy.

The biggest and best collection of jokes for all the family to enjoy. 8,000 rib-ticklers, covering every subject under the sun from Aardvarks to Zombies, including chicken jokes, doctor-doctor jokes, elephant jokes, horror jokes, knock-knock jokes, excruciating puns, riddles, school jokes, sports jokes and waiter jokes. Most of the jokes are sharp one-liners but there is also a scattering of slightly longer stories.

We had a battle of magic at Odd Street School! A magician came to do a show and he tried to hatch a scary Zombie Bird out of a silver egg. Eekyfreak! But thanks to Bianca''s trombone, a secret trapdoor, and Martha being invisible ... the Zombie Bird turned out to be the funniest thing ever ha ha! (If you''re scared of magic like our friend Ellie, don''t worry. This book won''t turn you into a frog. Or a rabbit!) Hope you like it, and thanks for reading this BLURB!

A brilliant collection of insults and sharp retorts for every situation. Includes studied insults, wry putdowns, literary, political, and dramatic rebukes, playground insults, barbs and jibes. The perfect resource for responding to life''s slings and arrows with humour and satisfying venom.

Never be stuck for a wicked line again! - the ultimate collection of insults Here is the biggest and best ever collection of insults and sharp retorts for when you just wish you could have thought of something faster. Editor Geoff Tibballs presents more than 5,000 come-backs, put-downs, snaps, insults, unadmiring quips and quotes, for every occasion. From the most elegant of studied insults to the wickedest of putdowns, from the language of the street to the literary, political, and entertainment worlds, from playground insults to sports, family and marriage jibes - here is every possible barb you could ever need, guaranteed to crack up all those around you. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Your mother''s so fat, she has her own area code. Are your parents siblings? Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn''t have given you worse advice. Is there no beginning to your talents? You''d be out of your depth in a puddle. Don''t you need a licence to be that ugly? I''d like to see things from your point of view but I can''t get my head that far up my arse. I''d love to go out with you but I have to worm my dog.

The Book of Senior Jokes is the perfect present for anyone feeling their age, no matter how old they may be.

With old age comes grey hair, dodgy knees, a sudden passion for re-runs of Murder, She Wrote, and an apparent God-given licence to speak one''s mind and be generally offensive without fear of retribution. Under the guise of passing on the benefits of their experience to family members or just casual acquaintances, old people exercise their right to swear, cuss and insult as they please. These feisty philosophers take no prisoners as they use their scalpel-like tongues to dissect modern life and the younger generations. If challenged over their outrageous comments, they''ll play the age card: you know the sort of thing - ''I''m eighty-six, I''ve fought for my country, and if I want to call you a no-good, lowdown, useless fuckwit, then I''ll call you a no-good, lowdown, useless fuckwit, Vicar.'' Other gems include: It bugs me when people say, ''Life is short.'' What the hell does it mean? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! Are they going to do something that''s longer? Son, if it''s got tits or tyres, you''re gonna have trouble with it. We all have our disappointments in life, son, and I''m talking to mine right now. The only way in which life resembles a bed of roses is that you encounter a lot of pricks along the way. Sure I''m surprised you can''t get a job, son. I heard the world was crying out for someone who is lazy, has no qualifications but can spit gum into a waste paper basket from ten feet. Don''t you think you might stand a better chance of becoming a captain of industry if you got rid of some of that metal shit on your body - like the nose stud and the eyebrow rings? Donald Trump may have a crap haircut but I bet he doesn''t have pierced fucking nipples. Son, if life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. The secret of a happy life is to run out of cash and air at exactly the same time.

Contains information about, illustrations of, and statistics and records pertaining to sports, sporting events, and athletes, discussing basketball, body building, skydiving, running, and more.

Old age catches up with us all, and when the inevitable senior moments begin to set in, there is nothing to be done but have a good old laugh about them. Unforgettable Senior Jokes is a fantastic collection of the very best ''senior'' jokes, put down on paper so that even the most senile minds can''t forget them. Filled with hundreds of unforgettable punch lines and witticisms about growing old, across such hilarious and humiliating subjects as hair loss, wrinkles, and many more of the obstacles old age throws at us all, this book is perfect for anyone beginning to feel their age. Charmingly entertaining, it celebrates the funny side of growing older, allowing readers to laugh off their forgetfulness, fading physique and new penchant for the afternoon nap, and have them smiling at seniordom and all it entails.

''He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn''t like it - you can see it all over their faces'' - Ron Atkinson ''Rugby is a good occasion for keeping thirty bullies far from the city centre'' - Oscar Wilde Whether over the moon or sick as a parrot, sportsmen and women can invariably be relied upon to come out with a humorous quote...even if it''s not always intentional. The Bowler''s Holding, The Batsman''s Willey provides the definitive collection of sporting wit, from participants and observers alike. The book covers the full gamut of the sports spectrum and provides over 4,000 side-splittingly funny quotes - some examples of incisive sporting wit, others inadvertent howlers never to be forgotten; ranging from the cutting remarks of Brian Clough and Muhammad Ali to the studied observations of John Arlott and the hilarious gaffes of Murray Walker. The Bowler''s Holding, The Batsman''s Willey is an absolute must for any sports fan.

Would you Adam and Eve it? Over a hundred years after it was first heard on the streets of Ye Olde London Towne, Cockney rhyming slang is still going strong, and this book contains the most comprehensive and entertaining guide yet. Presented in an easy-to-read A to Z format, it explains the meaning of hundreds of terms, from old favourites such as apples and pears (stairs) and plates of meat (feet) to the more obscure band of hope (soap) and cuts and scratches (matches) through to modern classics such as Anthea Turner (earner) and Ashley Cole (own goal), as well as providing fascinating background info and curious Cockney facts throughout. Also included are a series of language tests so that readers can brush up on their newfound knowledge on their way to becoming a true Cockney Geezer. All in all, The Ultimate Cockney Geezer''s Guide to Rhyming Slang is well worth your bread and honey to have a butcher''s.

A brand-new, fantastic, enormous collection of 5,000 jokes, gags and one-liners - indexed and categorised to help with finding the right joke for any occasion or audience, from Bar-Mitzvahs to bar-rooms. Two Nuns in a Bath is the consummate collection, with jokes on every subject under the sun, from lawyers to low-energy light bulbs. Two nuns are sitting in a bath. One says "Where''s the soap?"" The other replies "It does rather doesn''t it?" A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That''s awfully steep, isn''t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what''s your final question?"

''I won''t lie to you, fatherhood isn''t easy like motherhood'' Homer Simpson Fathers come in many guises - wise or silly, strict or kind. They can make you laugh and they can make you cringe. They can drive you home and they can drive you mad ... In Just Like Dad Says, wise and witty words from the likes of Billy Connolly, Jerry Seinfeld, Spike Milligan and Homer Simpson cover everything from the joy of being a new dad to waving kids off as they - finally - leave home. Old and new, laugh-out-loud funny or wickedly dry, Just Like Dad Says is the best ever collection of quotes by and about Dad. ''My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo'' Bob Monkhouse ''Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective'' P.J. O''Rourke

More than 150 amusing and interesting lists, ranging from 10 Creatures With Their Own Lights to 20 Choice Political Insults and from 10 Curious Royal Deaths to 10 Near-misses in the Golf Majors. There are lists from the following categories: People, Creatures, Music, Film & TV, The World. and Sport.

A collection of classical practical jokes for everyone (except the victim) to enjoy. Leave your friends and enemies with egg on their face (literally) or humiliated (but happy ).

There is no greater icon from the Swinging Sixties than the marvelous MINI. Some of the most famous faces of the decade--from the Beatles (all of whom owned at least one MINI) and Twiggy to Steve McQueen--were proud owners. Packed with facts, quotes, and stories, this is a nostalgic review of the little auto that changed the world. Its legacy as a racing dynamo and various rally wins are addressed as is its recent leap back into the spotlight in the form of the sleek and stylish MINI Cooper.

An illustrated collection of oddities that are sure to shock the reader.

* Well researched and entertaining new series * A fascinating compendium of characters for lovers of the beautiful game * An historical and sometimes hysterical run through the field of footballing

From the Grace brothers via Denis Compton, Keith Miller and Fred Trueman to Shane Warne, Andrew Flintoff and Kevin Pietersen, cricket has produced a stream of memorable characters over the past 150 years. "Cricket''s Greatest Characters" chronicles the exploits of around seventy-five of the game''s most potent personalities - comedians, disciplinarians and hellraisers alike. The fascinating compendium will feature illuminating profiles of larger than life Test stars including Ian Botham, Phil Tufnell, Sid Barnes, Merv Hughes, Jack Russell, Viv Richards, Bobby Peel, Colin Milburn, Inzamam-ul-Haq, George Gunn, Dennis Lillee and Derek Randall. However the contents are by no means confined to players of world renown, for there will also be portraits of county stalwarts such as Colin Ingleby-Mackenzie, who led Hampshire to the 1961 championship title on a diet of ''wine, women and song'' and who once persuaded an umpire to take a transistor radio on to the pitch so he could listen to a horse race while he was fielding; Ray East, the clown prince of Essex; Somerset''s Arthur Wellard who, fielding at silly mid-off, would remove his false teeth in order to unsettle the batsman; Gluocestershire spinner ''Bomber'' Wells, a man, who, according to Michael Parkinson, had ''a summer''s day in his face and laughter in his soul''; and Bill Bestwick, Derbyshire''s demon fast bowler with a fondness for the bottle.

Are you still struggling to set the clock on your video recorder? Are you worried that the times are moving without you and you''re simply being dragged kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century? Does the thought of using an iPod or Blackberry make your palms sweaty? Or does the idea of going into Starbucks for a coffee strike fear in your heart? The Seniors'' Survival Guide is here to help clear the fog and make sense of all the confusing mumbo-jumbo surrounding modern life. You don''t need to be old to have those ''senior moments'' either: anyone who has ever watched a four-year-old text with the speed and dexterity of a skilled touch-typist will know the feeling. The ultimate manual for modern living, The Seniors'' Survival Guide includes everything from buying and selling on eBay and using that internet thingy, to understanding teen-speak, tackling global warming and negotiating telephone helplines. With this book the mechanical beeping, buzzing and whirring that surrounds and afflicts your everyday life will soon begin to fade.

Presents an illustrated collection of unusual phenomena and oddities, grouped into such categories as curious creations, incredible animals, fantastic feats, and unusual tales.

An encyclopedia of oddities features unexpected and unimaginable people, places, and creatures from around the world.

Chronicles the events surrounding the Indian Ocean Tsunami in 2004.

Some of the world''s most talented and skillful sportsmen during the 20thentury came from the world of football. In this volume, the lives andchievements of some of the best-known footballers are chronicled in wordsnd pictures, whilst also testing your knowledge with amazing football facts.

Misfortune is never far away on the field of sport. Just when everything seems to be going to plan, the fickle finger of fate can strike without warning to turn a celebration into a commiseration. Ask the Russian marathon runner who turned the wrong way on entering the stadium at the 1954 European Championships and promptly saw a gold medal become bronze; or the jockey who didn''t bother riding his horse flat out because he was mistakenly convinced there was still a circuit to go; or the Irish boxer who took a swing at his opponent, missed, crashed out of the ring and succeeded in knocking himself out. Spanning three centuries and a multitude of sports, this is a classic collection of the finest calamities.