Best Selling Books by Geoff TIBBALLS

A rollicking collection of stories featuring the craziest, daftest and most outrageous monarchs the world has ever known. Packed with royal stories from 2,000 years of history, from the immortality-obsessed first Emperor of China to the master of tact and diplomacy, Prince Philip, this book will leave the reader fascinated, entertained and occasionally appalled. We’ll meet all sorts of colourful royal characters, including the Roman Emperor Caligula, who was unspeakably cruel to his subjects but worshipped his horse, Charles VI of France, convinced he was made of glass, and Frederick William I of Prussia, who recruited – and sometimes kidnapped – the tallest men in Europe to form his private army. There are tales of scandal, including secret marriages, illegitimate offspring, royal pickpockets and alleged vampirism, and madness, cross-dressing and pigeon-fancying also crop up! Fully updated with a selection of new stories, this absorbing book is the perfect gift for history fans.

With old age comes grey hair, dodgy knees, a sudden passion for re-runs of Murder, She Wrote, and an apparent God-given licence to speak one''s mind and be generally offensive without fear of retribution. Under the guise of passing on the benefits of their experience to family members or just casual acquaintances, old people exercise their right to swear, cuss and insult as they please. These feisty philosophers take no prisoners as they use their scalpel-like tongues to dissect modern life and the younger generations. If challenged over their outrageous comments, they''ll play the age card: you know the sort of thing - ''I''m eighty-six, I''ve fought for my country, and if I want to call you a no-good, lowdown, useless fuckwit, then I''ll call you a no-good, lowdown, useless fuckwit, Vicar.'' Other gems include: It bugs me when people say, ''Life is short.'' What the hell does it mean? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! Are they going to do something that''s longer? Son, if it''s got tits or tyres, you''re gonna have trouble with it. We all have our disappointments in life, son, and I''m talking to mine right now. The only way in which life resembles a bed of roses is that you encounter a lot of pricks along the way. Sure I''m surprised you can''t get a job, son. I heard the world was crying out for someone who is lazy, has no qualifications but can spit gum into a waste paper basket from ten feet. Don''t you think you might stand a better chance of becoming a captain of industry if you got rid of some of that metal shit on your body - like the nose stud and the eyebrow rings? Donald Trump may have a crap haircut but I bet he doesn''t have pierced fucking nipples. Son, if life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. The secret of a happy life is to run out of cash and air at exactly the same time.

This is the graphic, first-hand story of the maiden voyage and disastrous sinking of the RMS Titanic, told by the survivors themselves. The story of the sinking of the great liner has been told countless times since that fateful night on April 14, 1912, by historians, novelists, and film producers alike, but no account is as graphic or revealing as those from the people who were actually there. Through survivors’ tales and contemporary newspaper reports from both sides of the Atlantic, here are eyewitness accounts full of details that range from poignant to humorous, stage by stage from the liner’s glorious launch in Belfast to the somber sea burial services of those who perished on her first and only voyage. In this book, the voices of the survivors share their own stories, as well as the official records, press reports, and investigations into what went wrong that night.

The Grumpy Old Git''s Guide to Life is a hilarious celebration of all these grumps, how to identify one, what exactly they find so irritating and why we find their rants quite so amusing.

Since 1894, when motor racing’s colourful history began with a bang (and a banger!), drivers, racers and lunatics alike have done many stupid and bizarre things all in the name of motor sport. Author Geoff Tibballs has gathered together this absorbing collection of stories from over a century of motor racing around the world, including the Frenchman who drove 25 miles in reverse, the Grand Prix in which the leading drivers were so far ahead that they stopped for a meal in the pits, the Le Mans 24-hour race won by a car patched up with chewing gum, and the driver who drank six bottles of champagne – virtually one per pit-stop – on the way to winning the Indianapolis 500. The stories in this book are bizarre, fascinating, hilarious, and, most importantly, true. Revised, redesigned and updated for a new generation of petrolheads, this book contains enough extraordinary-but-true tales to drive anyone around the bend. Word count: 45,000

Also works well as emergency loo roll. While you''re not going anywhere, why not expand your mind with Brain Dump? Learn thousands of fascinating facts, stats and trivia. Guaranteed to boost your brain, this bumper compendium covers every subject from football to phobias, mountains to the Muppets and spiders to Shakespeare. It features hundreds of mind-blowing entries from Types of Cloud to the Longest Song Titles. And it''s not just for the bathroom but the bedroom too! Struggling to sleep? Turn to the Fascinating Facts About Sheep and other gems to tire and train your brain. Zzzzzzzzzz..... Printed on soft absorbent paper for emergencies.

Sixty extraordinary years of Eurovision, from Céline Dion to Dustin the Turkey, from Abba to Conchita Wurst - the drag acts, the bad acts and all the nul points heroes. For 60 years the Eurovision Song Contest has existed in a parallel universe where a song about the construction of a hydro-electric power station is considered cutting-edge pop, where half a dozen warbling Russian grandmothers are considered Saturday night entertainment, where a tune repeating the word ''la'' 138 times is considered a winner, and where Australia is considered part of Europe During those sixty years we have witnessed scandals: in 1957, Denmark''s Birthe Wilke and Gustav Winckler enjoyed an outrageously long 13-second kiss because the stage manager forgot to say ''cut'' during the live broadcast. We have witnessed national outrage: the 1976 Greek entry was a savage indictment of Turkish foreign policy in Cyprus. But most have all we have witnessed silly costumes, terrible lyrics and performers as diverse as Celine Dion and Dustin the Turkey. This book chronicles the 100 craziest moments in the history of Eurovision - the drag acts, the bad acts, the nul points heroes and the night in Luxembourg when the floor manager warned the audience not to stand up while they applauded because they might be shot by security forces. It captures some of the magic from this yearly event that continues to beguile and bemuse in equal measure.

A brilliant collection of insults and sharp retorts for every situation. Includes studied insults, wry putdowns, literary, political, and dramatic rebukes, playground insults, barbs and jibes. The perfect resource for responding to life''s slings and arrows with humour and satisfying venom.

''I won''t lie to you, fatherhood isn''t easy like motherhood'' Homer Simpson Fathers come in many guises - wise or silly, strict or kind. They can make you laugh and they can make you cringe. They can drive you home and they can drive you mad ... In Just Like Dad Says, wise and witty words from the likes of Billy Connolly, Jerry Seinfeld, Spike Milligan and Homer Simpson cover everything from the joy of being a new dad to waving kids off as they - finally - leave home. Old and new, laugh-out-loud funny or wickedly dry, Just Like Dad Says is the best ever collection of quotes by and about Dad. ''My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo'' Bob Monkhouse ''Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective'' P.J. O''Rourke

Featuring laugh out loud remarks from coffee shops and supermarkets to bars and bookshops, The Customer''s Always Wrong illustrates just how silly people can be.

From the leg glance to leg before, king pair to cover drive, and from the no-ball to the googly, this book is sure to entertain, inform and delight.

The Book of Senior Jokes is the perfect present for anyone feeling their age, no matter how old they may be.

A brand-new, fantastic, enormous collection of 5,000 jokes, gags and one-liners - indexed and categorised to help with finding the right joke for any occasion or audience, from Bar-Mitzvahs to bar-rooms. Two Nuns in a Bath is the consummate collection, with jokes on every subject under the sun, from lawyers to low-energy light bulbs. Two nuns are sitting in a bath. One says "Where''s the soap?"" The other replies "It does rather doesn''t it?" A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That''s awfully steep, isn''t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what''s your final question?"

A humorous collection of hundreds of funny news stories, whacky phenomena, and hilarious blunders and gaffes from around the world, such as: the woman who smuggled 75 live snakes in her bra; the man who held a funeral for his amputated foot; the radioactive cat which got mistaken for a bomb; the human tongue that got served up in a hospital; the X-ray that revealed E.T.''s face in a duck; the youth who woke to find a bullet in his tongue; the tortoise that set a house on fire; and many more.

Will Carling, Roy Keane, Hansie Cronje, Mike Tyson, Glenn Hoddle, Tonya Harding and Michael Schumacher are not only known for their sporting prowess, but have all been at the centre of some of the most newsworthy scandals in history. Carling''s gaffe was to refer to the executive of the Rugby Football Union as ''57 old farts''; Tanya Harding was banned from skating for life after an attack on her rival; while Ferrari blatantly fixed the result of the 2002 Austrian Grand Prix when Rubens Barrichello was ordered to allow team-mate Michael Schumacher to win. Geoff Tibballs relates the most contentious and intriguing sporting scandals from the past two centuries. Including stories that have long since faded into obscurity, and others that are still debated heatedly today, he recounts tales including Bobby Moore''s arrest on suspicion of stealing a bracelet in Columbia in 1970; the outrage caused to members of the All-England Tennis Club in 1949 by Gussie Moran''s daring lace-trimmed panties at Wimbledon; and the 1844 Derby Winner, Running Rein, who was discovered to be a ''ringer''. At one time or another every sport has had its moment of contention - including allegations of bribery, profess

Thousands more fearless and absolutley filthy jokes in a follow-up to the phenomenal bestseller The Mammoth Book of Dirty Jokes.

When we think of the world''s great museums, we tend to think of the Louvre, the Guggenheim or the Victoria and Albert. We do not immediately think of the Dog Collar Museum, the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum, the Museum of Broken Relationships or Barney Smith''s Toilet Seat Art Museum. Yet scattered across the globe are museums dedicated to every conceivable subject, from bananas to Bigfoot, lawnmowers to leprechauns, teapots to tapeworms, mustard to moist towelettes, and pencils to penises. Many are serious collections housed in grand buildings, others are located in tiny premises and are open to visitors by appointment only, often the result of one person''s crazy lifetime obsession. This book lists the world''s 100 weirdest museums in order of quirkiness, encompassing such delights as The Museum of Witchcraft in Cornwall, a museum in Kentucky that houses 800 ventriloquists'' dolls, the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts, the Paris Sewer Museum, the French Fry Museum in Bruges, the Museum of Contraception and Abortion in Vienna, the Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum in Tennessee, Japan''s Momofuku Ando Instant Ramen Museum (quite possibly the world''s only museum devoted to instant noodles), and the Kunstkamera in St Petersburg, home to Peter the Great''s collection of oddities including deformed fetuses and the decapitated head of a love rival preserved in vinegar. After all, what holiday is complete until you have seen a 300-year-old decapitated human head in a jar? Each entry will include address, contact and admission details, so the next time you are in Berlin there is no excuse for missing out on a visit to the Currywurst Museum, the world''s leading museum dedicated to sausages in hot ketchup.

The Olympics’ Strangest Moments recounts the bizarre, controversial, inept, heroic and plain unlucky from the first modern games in 1896 to the return of the games to their birthplace in Athens in 2004 and up to the Beijing 2008 games. The world’s greatest sporting occasion has been packed with unusual occurrences as well as creating unlikely heroes such as Dorando Pietri, who missed out on marathon gold after being helped over the finish line by over-anxious officials, and ''''Eric the Eel'''' from Equatorial Guinea who was acknowledged as the slowest swimmer in the history of the games.

Would you Adam and Eve it? Over a hundred years after it was first heard on the streets of Ye Olde London Towne, Cockney rhyming slang is still going strong, and this book contains the most comprehensive and entertaining guide yet. Presented in an easy-to-read A to Z format, it explains the meaning of hundreds of terms, from old favourites such as apples and pears (stairs) and plates of meat (feet) to the more obscure band of hope (soap) and cuts and scratches (matches) through to modern classics such as Anthea Turner (earner) and Ashley Cole (own goal), as well as providing fascinating background info and curious Cockney facts throughout. Also included are a series of language tests so that readers can brush up on their newfound knowledge on their way to becoming a true Cockney Geezer. All in all, The Ultimate Cockney Geezer''s Guide to Rhyming Slang is well worth your bread and honey to have a butcher''s.

The British sporting heritage is full of colorful characters, some of whose behaviour on and off the field of endeavor has been so idiosyncratic that it has stepped over the boundary rope into the realm of eccentricity. Divided into chapters covering all major sports, this book presents over 700 sporting eccentrics from all over the world -- from the seventeenth century to the present day, from world champions to the humblest ''rabbits''. This is a delightful collection of real odd-balls who truly developed their own unique sporting style.

An encyclopedia of oddities features unexpected and unimaginable people, places, and creatures from around the world.

Recounting over 2,000 years of daft despots, raving rulers and potty potentates, this unique look at the world’s craziest kings and queens will leave you shocked, amazed – and often in fits of laughter. From the madness of ancient Rome, exemplified by the Emperor Caligula who wanted to appoint his horse to the consulate, we go on to meet Charles VI of France, convinced he was made of glass, Queen Juana of Spain, never separated from her late husband’s coffin, and King Otto of Bavaria, who tried to ward off hereditary insanity by shooting a peasant a day. Throughout history, royalty and scandal have gone hand-in-hand like a Prince of Wales and his mistress – witness the pocket-picking Farouk I of Egypt, Augustus II of Poland, who fathered an estimated 355 children, only one of whom was legitimate, and, more recently, Britain’s master of tact and diplomacy, Prince Philip. From kleptomania and incest to transvestism and even pigeon fancying, all these and many more colourful characters can be found in this revealing trawl of the world’s royal families.

A collection of 10,000 side-splitting one-line jokes arranged in categories from bestselling humour editor Geoff Tibballs. ''Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.'' ''Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.'' ''I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents. It was on a note, in my room.''

This book tells the stories behind some of the world''s most disastrous financial mistakes, from the collapse of business empires, like DeLorean, through huge corporate errors like New Coke an the Ford Edsel down to smaller yet still embarrassing business bloopers.

Will you be flummoxed by this Great British distraction? Do you know queuing etiquette? Twenty-one different ways to describe rain? Then this quiz book might be just your cup of tea. Politely challenge yourself, your family and your friends with questions on British culture, language, etiquette, of course, the weather, as well as lots of other essential, quintessential British subjects. Each quiz comprises 21 questions and answers are based on the real results from national surveys and polls. Hours of brain-bamboozling fun for all the family!

Never be stuck for a wicked line again! - the ultimate collection of insults Here is the biggest and best ever collection of insults and sharp retorts for when you just wish you could have thought of something faster. Editor Geoff Tibballs presents more than 5,000 come-backs, put-downs, snaps, insults, unadmiring quips and quotes, for every occasion. From the most elegant of studied insults to the wickedest of putdowns, from the language of the street to the literary, political, and entertainment worlds, from playground insults to sports, family and marriage jibes - here is every possible barb you could ever need, guaranteed to crack up all those around you. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Your mother''s so fat, she has her own area code. Are your parents siblings? Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn''t have given you worse advice. Is there no beginning to your talents? You''d be out of your depth in a puddle. Don''t you need a licence to be that ugly? I''d like to see things from your point of view but I can''t get my head that far up my arse. I''d love to go out with you but I have to worm my dog.

From the man behind the bestselling Mammoth Book of Jokes, an all-new, enormous collection of fantastic jokes - indexed and categorised to help find the right joke for the right occasion, from Bar-Mitzvahs to bar-rooms. Bigger, better, and even bulkier than before, The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2 is the consummate collection, with jokes on every subject under the sun, from lawyers to low-energy light bulbs.

The biggest and best collection of jokes for all the family to enjoy. 8,000 rib-ticklers, covering every subject under the sun from Aardvarks to Zombies, including chicken jokes, doctor-doctor jokes, elephant jokes, horror jokes, knock-knock jokes, excruciating puns, riddles, school jokes, sports jokes and waiter jokes. Most of the jokes are sharp one-liners but there is also a scattering of slightly longer stories.

The worst cookbook ever, packed with truly bizarre and utterly disgusting recipes from all over the world Ever since humankind produced its first foodie, the culinary world has dished up some staggering confections which could best be described as ''acquired tastes'': dishes such as Virgin Boy Eggs (eggs soaked in the urine of prepubescent boys); live octopus, which clutches at the diner''s tongue and throat as it is swallowed; and Beard Beer, made from the yeast found in facial hair. In northern Greenland, the Inuit are fond of cramming as many as 500 dead auks (small sea birds) into an old seal skin which they place under a large rock until the birds have fermented into what has rightly been described as a ''sticky, pungent, toxic, cheesy gloop''. Kiviak, as it is called, is eaten by biting off the birds'' heads and sucking out the juices. The mighty Roman Empire was built on such delicacies as larks'' tongues, stuffed thrush, boiled flamingo and grilled cow''s womb, while the Tudors loved nothing more than a roast cockenthrice: the head and upper body of a pig carefully stitched onto the lower body and legs of a turkey. Today, for those with an adventurous mindset and a robust life insurance policy, there is no shortage of nauseating local delicacies to enjoy. In China, not only is tuna eyeball on the menu, but also yak penis (served whole). In Vietnam, one can enjoy the still-beating heart of a freshly-killed snake; in Iceland, raw puffin heart. In the Philippines, there is duck embryo to be had - like a Kinder Surprise . . . only containing a dead foetus instead of a toy. In Sardinia, they like nothing more than a nice bit of maggot-infested cheese; and the favourite tipple of Korean foodies is Ttongsul, a wine made from the fermented faeces of a child. Bon appetit!

With over 10,000 entries, arranged by topic and fully indexed, here is a giant new collection of witticisms and wisecracks for the 21st century. If you''re looking for a bon mot for an after-dinner talk, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this fabulous fat book provides all you''ll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Woody Allen, Dave Barry, P. J. O''Rourke, Winston Churchill, Will Rogers, Jay Leno, P. G. Wodehouse, Bill Cosby, W. C. Fields, Oscar Wilde, Spike Milligan, Groucho Marx, George Bernard Shaw and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! ''Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.'' P. J. O''Rourke ''I''m sure sex wouldn''t be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It''s not that sex isn''t good, but the World Cup is every four years and sex is not.'' Ronaldo

A collection of real-life 15 contract-killer cases from around the world. Not only are the stories set in different continents, but also with different motives, set at different ends of the social scale and with dramatically different outcomes.

This guide toThe Billrecalls the daily lives of the officers at Sun Hill and reminds us of some of the infamous criminals. It goes behind the scenes to reveal the trickery and secret techniques that help bring the drama to the small screen. Illustrated throughout with over 150 photographs, it takes fans back to the days of Roy Galloway and follows the dramas at Sun Hill since then. There are additional features on the best stunts, reactions from the press and exclusive interviews with key cast and crew members. This book will cover every aspect of the tough, fast-moving show that has gripped viewers all over the world for two decades.

The Central Television drama series Soldier Soldier follows the adventures of The King''s Fusiliers. This book reveals how the show is made and the spectacular stunts are staged, and also includes interviews with the cast and personal anecdotes from the film crews.

A chronicle of the lives - public and private - of the key characters in the first four series of television''s Soldier Soldier. The book details their history as seen on the screen, and goes back even further to their childhood and teenage years. It also contains interviews with cast members.