New Releases by Geoff Tibballs

A bumper collection of 1001 of the most excruciating dad jokes ever - cheesier than a four-cheese pizza. Don''t claim that you haven''t been warned!

From getting a seat on the bus to forgetting what you were worrying about, there are countless reasons to be grateful for being old. Old Age is the new Golden Age, truly the time of our lives - or it ought to be! We should be glad to be gray! Geoff Tibballs issues a clarion call to wrinkly boomers to celebrate the numerous advantages to old age, from the joy of socks to the rush you get from standing up too quickly, easily the equivalent of the thrills your children and grandchildren get from street drugs. Old Age is the new Golden Age, truly the time of our lives - or it ought to be! Covering family, relationships, food and drink and other aspects of life, Geoff is here to tell us why. You''re very unlikely ever to be asked to solve a simultaneous equation, or how to get on to Netflix. A ride in a lift or a walk around a shopping centre becomes an opportunity to hear all your favourite music, and you get all the excitement you need in a day from successfully completing Wordle. Your friends won''t be blabbing your secrets all over town because they can''t remember them either. You can multitask more effectively than ever - coughing, farting, sneezing and peeing all at the same time. Nobody expects you to run into a burning building. You''re allowed - no, expected! - to be pedantic. Also, grumpy as hell. Absolutely nobody will be able to force you to eat cabbage, or anything else for that matter. You can proudly say you''ve never listened to anything by Ed Sheeran or Billie Eilish and people won''t be surprised when you think that Dua Lipa is a lip balm. And who the hell is Tate McRae?

A hilarious (or groan-worthy) look at the rite of passage that all dads go through. Do you think your jokes are hilarious, without fail? Ever thought something was sidesplittingly funny only to have the rest of your family look at you with pity and disdain? It probably means that you''ve succumbed to the dorky, ill-advised things all Dads say and do - the things you swore you''d never do! - you''ve fallen for Dad-isms. In this hilarious book you''ll find embarrassing anecdotes and true stories, cringeworthy jokes, sayings, quotes and all manner of quirky nonsense that dads come up with to keep you (but mostly him) amused. From excruciating things dads say at weddings to the cheesy phrases that make you sigh but him guffaw, from dad dancing to the crazy things they save up for the most inappropriate moments... these dad-isms are so bad they''re almost good.

Ever since Mrs Malaprop first took to the stage in 1775 and described a gentleman as ''the very pineapple of politeness'', some famous figures have become better known for their slips of the tongue than for anything they said intentionally. In particular, the careers of a number of broadcasters, sporting figures and politicians have become defined by their verbal blunders. Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle is remembered solely for making unfortunate remarks such as ''Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'' Welsh naturalist Iolo Williams sent Twitter into meltdown when, discussing diving sea birds on Springwatch 2016, he asked a female conservationist: ''Is that the deepest shag you''ve ever had?'' Even respected sports broadcaster Harry Carpenter was probably haunted forever by his seemingly innocent comment at the end of the 1977 Boat Race: ''Ah, isn''t that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'' I Wish I Hadn''t Said That is a collection of over 3,000 spoken and written blunders - including unintentional double entendres, spoonerisms, mixed metaphors, malapropisms, jaw-dropping remarks, misguided quiz show answers, embarrassing newspaper misprints, and foreign signs and notices that have sadly become lost in translation.

In New Year, Same You you''ll find lots of laugh-out-loud humour to brighten your day (or not). Filled with words from the wise, this is the perfect book for grumps everywhere.

Also works well as emergency loo roll. While you''re not going anywhere, why not expand your mind with Brain Dump? Learn thousands of fascinating facts, stats and trivia. Guaranteed to boost your brain, this bumper compendium covers every subject from football to phobias, mountains to the Muppets and spiders to Shakespeare. It features hundreds of mind-blowing entries from Types of Cloud to the Longest Song Titles. And it''s not just for the bathroom but the bedroom too! Struggling to sleep? Turn to the Fascinating Facts About Sheep and other gems to tire and train your brain. Zzzzzzzzzz..... Printed on soft absorbent paper for emergencies.

The classic pocket guide to the language of London. This wonderful little guide to cockney rhyming slang contains over 1,700 old and new rhymes translated from Cockney to English and English to Cockney, including: Custard and jelly - telly Hot cross bun - nun Lemon tart - smart Rock ’n’ roll - dole Sticky toffee - coffee ...and many more. Master the art of the Cockney rhyme and discover the Cockney origins of common British phrases.

Nobody does irony or sarcasm like the English. The Wicked Wit of England is celebration of British humour, featuring a collection of stories, anecdotes, quips and quotes that capture the various idiosyncrasies of the English character.

To discover whether you (or your loved ones) possess the grumpy gene, this quiz book has been devised to gauge your reaction to hundreds of different situations. Points are awarded for each answer and your total score indicates where you rate on the grumpy scale.

With over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you''re looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you''ll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! ''Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, "The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka."'' Conan O''Brien ''The only time it''s cool to yell, "I have diarrhoea!" is when you''re playing Scrabble.'' Zach Galifianakis

When we think of the world''s great sporting events, we tend to focus on spectacles such as the World Cup, the Olympics, the Derby, the Monaco Grand Prix or the University Boat Race. Yet there is also an alternative world of competition where participants risk life, limb and often dignity for meagre rewards in truly weird sporting pursuits. Step forward the Indonesian sport of sepak bola api, a variation of football in which the barefoot players kick a ball that is on fire; Germany''s Mud Olympics, at which competitors play soccer, volleyball and handball while knee-deep in mud; yak racing from Mongolia; Oregon''s Pig-N-Ford Races where drivers speed around the track while carrying a live pig under one arm; and Australia''s variation of the Boat Race, the Henley-on-Todd Regatta, where, instead of rowing, teams carry their boats along the dry bed of the River Todd. This book lists geographically the world''s 100 weirdest sports events, giving full details of their rules and colourful history. They include the grotesque (the national sport of Afghanistan is buzkashi, in which riders on horseback aim to drag the headless carcass of a dead goat towards their opponents'' goal), the dangerous (Japanese hardcore wrestlers batter each other with glass fluorescent light tubes instead of their bare hands), and the downright daft in the form of the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships, the World Flounder Tramping Championships, the World Gravy Wrestling Championships and the World Shin-Kicking Championships. Races are staged in all kinds of transportation. Canada is home to the Great Klondike Outhouse Race (for portable toilets), the Vancouver Bathtub Race, and the Windsor Pumpkin Regatta; Colorado hosts the annual Emma Crawford Coffin Races; and the pride of Yorkshire is the Great Knaresborough Bed Race, where teams push a bed (containing human occupant) along a 2.4-mile course that requires a wet crossing of the River Nidd. Animals feature heavily, too. As well as traditional races for ostriches (complete with jockeys), cockroaches (no jockey required), armadillos, sheep, and Oklahoma City''s splendid Dachshund Dash, rubber-duck racing is one of the fastest growing sports of recent years with events being held in several countries. Other competitions test an animal''s ability to do more than just run or float, such as elephant polo, dog surfing, camel wrestling, rabbit show jumping and pig diving. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that in the near future we may even be treated to synchronized pig diving. Although the plunging porkers might disagree, the appeal of many of these sports is enhanced by taking part. If cheese rolling or volcano boarding are too energetic for your taste, ice golf or underwater hockey too uncomfortable, and lingerie football wouldn''t show off your legs to best effect, you could always enjoy more leisurely pursuits like the world championships in rock, paper, scissors or pooh sticks. If, on the other hand, you prefer a watching brief, you could try your hand at cow patty bingo, a North American contest where a field is divided into numbered squares, and contestants bet on which square the cow will take a poop. It is probably the only occasion in life when you can make money from one number two on top of another.

A rollicking collection of stories featuring the craziest, daftest and most outrageous monarchs the world has ever known. Packed with royal stories from 2,000 years of history, from the immortality-obsessed first Emperor of China to the master of tact and diplomacy, Prince Philip, this book will leave the reader fascinated, entertained and occasionally appalled. We’ll meet all sorts of colourful royal characters, including the Roman Emperor Caligula, who was unspeakably cruel to his subjects but worshipped his horse, Charles VI of France, convinced he was made of glass, and Frederick William I of Prussia, who recruited – and sometimes kidnapped – the tallest men in Europe to form his private army. There are tales of scandal, including secret marriages, illegitimate offspring, royal pickpockets and alleged vampirism, and madness, cross-dressing and pigeon-fancying also crop up! Fully updated with a selection of new stories, this absorbing book is the perfect gift for history fans.

If you refer to your dearest friend as ''Thingy'' or have to keep changing your pet''s name because you can never remember your online banking password, you need The Senior Moments Activity Book!

Stocking a garden with plants can be an expensive business, so there are few things more frustrating than when the prized specimen for which you have paid a king''s ransom either online or at a garden centre shrivels up and dies within a year or so of purchase. If you can prove that the plant was half-dead when it arrived, you may able to obtain a refund from some online retailers, but for the most part you have to put it down to experience and make a firm mental note not to buy fussy plants in future. The problem is that many websites and catalogues claim that everything they stock is easy to grow. Herbaceous perennials are a particular minefield. Too often you are told that a certain plant ''will come back year after year'' without fail when in reality it is either so tender that the only chance of it surviving an average British winter is in a greenhouse or it is a short-lived perennial that is unlikely to flourish beyond two years anyway - and even then only if the local slugs and snails are on a diet. This book cuts through the horticultural sales pitches by listing 100 plants which, for little care beyond the essential watering at planting time, can reliably be expected to thrive in just about any garden. These plants are all but indestructible - pests give them a wide berth, they will prosper in any reasonable garden soil and will withstand anything that the UK climate throws at them. Divided into sections for shrubs, conifers, climbers, perennials, grasses, annuals, alpines and bulbs and with each entry having a Value For Money (VFM) rating out of 10, this easy-to-use guide will prove invaluable not only for the new gardener but also for old hands who are fed up with wasting time and money on plants that all too rapidly lose the will to live. With these suggestions, you can be assured of year-round colour and interest in your garden for the minimum of effort.

When we think of the world''s great museums, we tend to think of the Louvre, the Guggenheim or the Victoria and Albert. We do not immediately think of the Dog Collar Museum, the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum, the Museum of Broken Relationships or Barney Smith''s Toilet Seat Art Museum. Yet scattered across the globe are museums dedicated to every conceivable subject, from bananas to Bigfoot, lawnmowers to leprechauns, teapots to tapeworms, mustard to moist towelettes, and pencils to penises. Many are serious collections housed in grand buildings, others are located in tiny premises and are open to visitors by appointment only, often the result of one person''s crazy lifetime obsession. This book lists the world''s 100 weirdest museums in order of quirkiness, encompassing such delights as The Museum of Witchcraft in Cornwall, a museum in Kentucky that houses 800 ventriloquists'' dolls, the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts, the Paris Sewer Museum, the French Fry Museum in Bruges, the Museum of Contraception and Abortion in Vienna, the Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum in Tennessee, Japan''s Momofuku Ando Instant Ramen Museum (quite possibly the world''s only museum devoted to instant noodles), and the Kunstkamera in St Petersburg, home to Peter the Great''s collection of oddities including deformed fetuses and the decapitated head of a love rival preserved in vinegar. After all, what holiday is complete until you have seen a 300-year-old decapitated human head in a jar? Each entry will include address, contact and admission details, so the next time you are in Berlin there is no excuse for missing out on a visit to the Currywurst Museum, the world''s leading museum dedicated to sausages in hot ketchup.

Since 1894, when motor racing’s colourful history began with a bang (and a banger!), drivers, racers and lunatics alike have done many stupid and bizarre things all in the name of motor sport. Author Geoff Tibballs has gathered together this absorbing collection of stories from over a century of motor racing around the world, including the Frenchman who drove 25 miles in reverse, the Grand Prix in which the leading drivers were so far ahead that they stopped for a meal in the pits, the Le Mans 24-hour race won by a car patched up with chewing gum, and the driver who drank six bottles of champagne – virtually one per pit-stop – on the way to winning the Indianapolis 500. The stories in this book are bizarre, fascinating, hilarious, and, most importantly, true. Revised, redesigned and updated for a new generation of petrolheads, this book contains enough extraordinary-but-true tales to drive anyone around the bend. Word count: 45,000

YES, IT''S EUROVISION TIME AGAIN! THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE EUROVISION FAN IN YOUR LIFE! For 60 years the Eurovision Song Contest has existed in a parallel universe where a song about the construction of a hydro-electric power station is considered cutting-edge pop, where half a dozen warbling Russian grandmothers are considered Saturday night entertainment, where a tune repeating the word ''la'' 138 times is considered a winner, and where Australia is considered part of Europe During those sixty years we have witnessed scandals: in 1957, Denmark''s Birthe Wilke and Gustav Winckler enjoyed an outrageously long 13-second kiss because the stage manager forgot to say ''cut'' during the live broadcast. We have witnessed national outrage: the 1976 Greek entry was a savage indictment of Turkish foreign policy in Cyprus. But most have all we have witnessed silly costumes, terrible lyrics and performers as diverse as Celine Dion and Dustin the Turkey. This book chronicles the 100 craziest moments in the history of Eurovision - the drag acts, the bad acts, the nul points heroes and the night in Luxembourg when the floor manager warned the audience not to stand up while they applauded because they might be shot by security forces. It captures some of the magic from this yearly event that continues to beguile and bemuse in equal measure.

Sixty extraordinary years of Eurovision, from Céline Dion to Dustin the Turkey, from Abba to Conchita Wurst - the drag acts, the bad acts and all the nul points heroes. For 60 years the Eurovision Song Contest has existed in a parallel universe where a song about the construction of a hydro-electric power station is considered cutting-edge pop, where half a dozen warbling Russian grandmothers are considered Saturday night entertainment, where a tune repeating the word ''la'' 138 times is considered a winner, and where Australia is considered part of Europe During those sixty years we have witnessed scandals: in 1957, Denmark''s Birthe Wilke and Gustav Winckler enjoyed an outrageously long 13-second kiss because the stage manager forgot to say ''cut'' during the live broadcast. We have witnessed national outrage: the 1976 Greek entry was a savage indictment of Turkish foreign policy in Cyprus. But most have all we have witnessed silly costumes, terrible lyrics and performers as diverse as Celine Dion and Dustin the Turkey. This book chronicles the 100 craziest moments in the history of Eurovision - the drag acts, the bad acts, the nul points heroes and the night in Luxembourg when the floor manager warned the audience not to stand up while they applauded because they might be shot by security forces. It captures some of the magic from this yearly event that continues to beguile and bemuse in equal measure.

The worst cookbook ever, packed with truly bizarre and utterly disgusting recipes from all over the world Ever since humankind produced its first foodie, the culinary world has dished up some staggering confections which could best be described as ''acquired tastes'': dishes such as Virgin Boy Eggs (eggs soaked in the urine of prepubescent boys); live octopus, which clutches at the diner''s tongue and throat as it is swallowed; and Beard Beer, made from the yeast found in facial hair. In northern Greenland, the Inuit are fond of cramming as many as 500 dead auks (small sea birds) into an old seal skin which they place under a large rock until the birds have fermented into what has rightly been described as a ''sticky, pungent, toxic, cheesy gloop''. Kiviak, as it is called, is eaten by biting off the birds'' heads and sucking out the juices. The mighty Roman Empire was built on such delicacies as larks'' tongues, stuffed thrush, boiled flamingo and grilled cow''s womb, while the Tudors loved nothing more than a roast cockenthrice: the head and upper body of a pig carefully stitched onto the lower body and legs of a turkey. Today, for those with an adventurous mindset and a robust life insurance policy, there is no shortage of nauseating local delicacies to enjoy. In China, not only is tuna eyeball on the menu, but also yak penis (served whole). In Vietnam, one can enjoy the still-beating heart of a freshly-killed snake; in Iceland, raw puffin heart. In the Philippines, there is duck embryo to be had - like a Kinder Surprise . . . only containing a dead foetus instead of a toy. In Sardinia, they like nothing more than a nice bit of maggot-infested cheese; and the favourite tipple of Korean foodies is Ttongsul, a wine made from the fermented faeces of a child. Bon appetit!

The Ripley''s Believe It or Not! annual has now firmly established itself as a Christmas must-have, with an ever-growing army of loyal fans. Following hot on the heels of last year''s Top 10 bestseller, Ripley''s Believe It or Not! 2016 offers a completely new compendium of strange but true facts and amazing stories, ranging from the woman who married a Ferris wheel to exploding cow farts, and from the girl who cries stone tears to the pizzeria that deliver its customers'' orders by drone. Packed with amazing photographs and jaw-dropping facts, and with an out-of-this-world 3D-effect cover, Ripley''s Believe It or Not! 2016 offers a feast of information and entertainment. Prepare yourself for this year''s collection of eye-popping oddities!

Die beknacktesten Kundenwünsche aller Zeiten: Im O-Ton und zum Brüllen komisch! Der Kunde hat immer recht? Von wegen! Kunden sagen die dümmsten Dinge, haben die seltsamsten Wünsche und stellen die blödesten Fragen. Ob beim Shoppen, auf Reisen, am Telefon oder beim Frisör – der Kundschaft fällt immer was Absurdes ein. Belauscht in Cafés und Supermärkten, Bars und Buchläden, Restaurants und Apotheken, Flugzeugen, Hotels und überall, wo Kunden vor einem Schalter stehen – die witzigsten, seltsamsten, originellsten und (unfreiwillig) komischsten Kundenwünsche aller Zeiten.

Recounting over 2,000 years of daft despots, raving rulers and potty potentates, this unique look at the world’s craziest kings and queens will leave you shocked, amazed – and often in fits of laughter. From the madness of ancient Rome, exemplified by the Emperor Caligula who wanted to appoint his horse to the consulate, we go on to meet Charles VI of France, convinced he was made of glass, Queen Juana of Spain, never separated from her late husband’s coffin, and King Otto of Bavaria, who tried to ward off hereditary insanity by shooting a peasant a day. Throughout history, royalty and scandal have gone hand-in-hand like a Prince of Wales and his mistress – witness the pocket-picking Farouk I of Egypt, Augustus II of Poland, who fathered an estimated 355 children, only one of whom was legitimate, and, more recently, Britain’s master of tact and diplomacy, Prince Philip. From kleptomania and incest to transvestism and even pigeon fancying, all these and many more colourful characters can be found in this revealing trawl of the world’s royal families.

Featuring laugh out loud remarks from coffee shops and supermarkets to bars and bookshops, The Customer''s Always Wrong illustrates just how silly people can be.

Thousands more fearless and absolutley filthy jokes in a follow-up to the phenomenal bestseller The Mammoth Book of Dirty Jokes.

The Grumpy Old Git''s Guide to Life is a hilarious celebration of all these grumps, how to identify one, what exactly they find so irritating and why we find their rants quite so amusing.

From the leg glance to leg before, king pair to cover drive, and from the no-ball to the googly, this book is sure to entertain, inform and delight.

From the man behind the bestselling Mammoth Book of Jokes, an all-new, enormous collection of fantastic jokes - indexed and categorised to help find the right joke for the right occasion, from Bar-Mitzvahs to bar-rooms. Bigger, better, and even bulkier than before, The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2 is the consummate collection, with jokes on every subject under the sun, from lawyers to low-energy light bulbs.

A collection of 10,000 side-splitting one-line jokes arranged in categories from bestselling humour editor Geoff Tibballs. ''Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.'' ''Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.'' ''I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents. It was on a note, in my room.''

With over 10,000 entries, arranged by topic and fully indexed, here is a giant new collection of witticisms and wisecracks for the 21st century. If you''re looking for a bon mot for an after-dinner talk, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this fabulous fat book provides all you''ll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Woody Allen, Dave Barry, P. J. O''Rourke, Winston Churchill, Will Rogers, Jay Leno, P. G. Wodehouse, Bill Cosby, W. C. Fields, Oscar Wilde, Spike Milligan, Groucho Marx, George Bernard Shaw and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! ''Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.'' P. J. O''Rourke ''I''m sure sex wouldn''t be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It''s not that sex isn''t good, but the World Cup is every four years and sex is not.'' Ronaldo