New Releases by The Onion

The Onion, the nation''s sole beacon of truth in an era besieged by darkness and lies, has fearlessly published hundreds of classified documents obtained from an anonymous whistleblower deep within the Trump White House. From top secret national security briefings hand-colored in crayon by President Trump, to encrypted e-mails sent by Kremlin operatives, to Vice President Pence''s impure thoughts about the Morton Salt girl, the earth-shattering revelations contained within The Trump Leaks are all but certain to topple the president and alter the very arc of global history. With this soon-to-be Pulitzer-winning work of investigative reportage, America''s Finest News Source has selflessly provided the world with its first and only glimpse inside the hidden workings and tortured minds of the Trump Administration.

From America''s Finest News Source comes a compilation of the most important, most influential, and glossiest magazine covers ever produced by the hand of humankind. Seen by tens of billions worldwide, these are the unforgettable Onion Magazine covers that altered the course of human history and radically redefined your trivial life anew every weekend. Profound philosophical questions, the thoughts of leading cultural luminaries, harsh truths of existence, remorseless personal attacks -- you will encounter full-color graphical representations of all of these within this handsome volume. Whether you are a connoisseur of pretty pictures or are new to looking at images, The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers that Transformed an Undeserving World is sure to give you, the feebleminded consumer, far more pleasure than you have any earthly right to experience.

Are you a witless cretin with no reason to live? Would you like to know more about every piece of knowledge ever? Do you have cash? Then congratulations, because just in time for the death of the print industry as we know it comes the final book ever published, and the only one you will ever need: The Onion''s compendium of all things known. Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood, and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information -- such as the life stages of an Aunt; places to kill one''s self in Utica, New York; and the dimensions of a female bucket, or "pail." With hundreds of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet, The Onion Book of Known Knowledge must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.

Here are more than one hundred news stories of high-school sweethearts, college hook-ups, dating disasters, weddings, divorces, and restraining orders. From “18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate in Hometown” to “Couple Forgets 70th Wedding Anniversary,” these reports capture the heartbreak and hilarity of the human experience.

100+ funny Christmas stories about secret Santas, dysfunctional families, epic blizzards, and much more—all from the pages of America’s finest (satirical) news source. Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without impulse-priced holiday gift books—and now The Onion has unleashed its award-winning team of investigative journalists upon the genre. Featuring entertaining illustrations and over 100 shocking holiday stories, Christmas Exposed is the perfect gift book for smart alecks everywhere.

The Sports Page As You’ve Never Seen It Before From painfully obvious steroid revelations to sex scandals and superstars who announce trades in over-the-top TV specials, the wide world of sports can often seem too ridiculous for words. Well, attention sports fans: In The Ecstasy of Defeat, the editors of The Onion offer the laugh-out-loud funny and long overdue lampoon of sports culture you’ve been waiting for. Filled with the very best of The Onion’s bench-clearing sports coverage, this book includes such classics as: p. 46 Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down. p. 65 Barry Bonds Took Steroids, Reports Everyone Who Has Ever Watched Baseball. p. 118 Report: Cheap Chinese NBA Players Falling Apart After A Few Seasons. p. 155 Barbaro’s Doctors: “A Horse This Good You Don’t Eat All At Once.” p. 179 Lance Armstrong Wants To Tell Nation Something But Nation Has To Promise Not To Get Mad. No topic escapes the satirical slap of America’s Finest News Source, and the book covers not only mainstream sports—such as baseball, basketball, and football—but also lesser sports, sports culture, and special events like the World Cup and the Olympics. Featuring all the players, teams, and sports we love—and love to hate—The Ecstasy of Defeat is a must-read for sports nuts and Onion fans alike.

From The Birth Of A Nation To The Death Of Journalism Since its founding by a bloodthirsty tyrant in 1756, The Onion has not merely changed the way we think about the news -- it has changed whether we think about the news at all. As the first decade of this new millennium draws to a close, Our Front Pages shows us the first thing that presidents, kings, prime ministers, and popes saw when they opened their eyes each morning for the last 21 years. Now you, the common reader and citizen, can see what they saw and be as informed as they were with this important retrospective of the past two decades. You, too, will realize what generations before have realized and generations yet unborn will some day realize in turn: The Onion is not merely the chronicle of America. The Onion is America.

Onion fans hear this! Homeland Insecurity is the largest collection of award-winning journalism from America''s Finest News Source ever released, and that means you must buy it! Featuring every brilliantly biting article printed in The Onion between November 2004 and December 2005, a time in the history of the States ripe for further examination by America''s Finest News Source, Homeland Insecurity collects all the news reporting you were too lazy to read when it first appeared, now delivered in a handy single volume that will fit perfectly on the bookshelf of your dorm, ward or cell. Homeland Insecurity is Volume 17 in the always bestselling and always entertaining Onion series. Look for a new volume every year.

Every week, three million readers turn to the world''s most popular humour publication for a much-needed dose of Onion satire. In a history spanning 15 years, six popular books and 10 Webby Awards, with stories like ''U.S. Inspires World With Attempt At Democratic Election'' and ''Debbie, By The Time You Read This I''ll Either Be Dead Or Vice-President of Marketing'' The Onion continues to attract legions of loyal fans drawn to its scathingly funny commentary on world events and human behaviour. The latest book in the New York Times bestselling Onion Ad Nauseam series has everything you would expect from America''s Finest News Source™. Fresh from the front lines of world events came ''Bush Promises To Unite Nation For Real This Time'' and the classic ''God Puts His Tool Back In Office''. Volume 16 brings you pure Onion at its best (''New Overtime Laws: Changing The Way Americans Wash Dishes For Sixty Hours A Week'', ''What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well''). Here they are at last: all the issues of The Onion that you missed because you had a life to live. ''Arguably the most popular humour periodical in world history'' The New Yorker ''It''s writers have developed an eerily perfect ear for the mindless chatter that masquerades as news, not just in the United States, but around the world'' Sunday Times ''Welcome to the satire war . . . leading the way is The Onion, the now-legendary satirical news-site'' Independent on Sunday ''What is one to make of The Onion? To find out try the Ad Nauseam. Since it first appeared, pushing up through the electronic undergrowth, it has made converts of millions'' Financial Times

Definitely not for the easily offended, Our Dumb Century was a New York Times #1 bestseller chronicling 100 years of American history with dry humor and cynicism. This Miniature Edition™ distills the brilliant wit and satire of the original from "America''s Finest News Source."

Everyone''s Favorite Parody Newspaper Makes History with Our Dumb Century, the New York Times #1 Best-Seller. The Onion has quickly become the world''s most popular humor publication, misinforming half-a-million readers a week with its unique social satire, both in print and on-line, from its remote office in Madison, Wisconsin. In Our Dumb Century, The Onion offered up 100 years of headlines from America''s finest news source, and now you can witness the march of history every day of the year as editor-in-chief Scott Dikkers and The Onion''s award-winning writers present the twentieth century like you''ve never seen it before.